


One Last Email

by ProgramasaurusRex



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-13 22:31:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19260457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProgramasaurusRex/pseuds/ProgramasaurusRex
Summary: Jared apologizes for everything.





	One Last Email

Dear Evan Hansen,

Look, I know you're angry with me, but I need to explain. 

The first time I went to therapy as a kid, my therapist told me that whenever I was scared, I should try making a joke. To ease the tension or something. Guess I took that a little too literally.

Well, talking to you scares me. You're so honest all of the time that it makes me afraid you're going to trick me into being honest, too, and then I'll be in for it. You probably thought I was being a dick to you all those years for no reason. But the reason was, I'm afraid of all the same things you are, ridicule, rejection, etc., and being near you reminded me of my own fears. High school is a cholera epidemic and you were patient zero. So I pushed you away. 

Besides, I didn't know how to be anyone's friend. I thought I was just talking how men talked. If I knew how much I was hurting you, I didn't think about it.

It is obvious to me now that I hurt you a fuckton, exactly where you were most vulnerable, and there is absolutely no excuse for me to act like I don't know why. Do I not know each wince of misery on your face, each backward glance over the shoulder, as well as if it were my own?

It's not that I want to be friends with you now because you're popular or cool. I stopped chasing popularity a long time ago, when I realized I couldn't win. All I really wanted for most of my life was to be safe. I would lie through my teeth if necessary, conceal every facet of myself that might not escape notice, if it meant avoiding the icy laughter of someone people cared about.

But when we wrote those emails together, Evan ... 

Somewhere in the middle of making up fake thoughts for a dead guy, I realized both of us were contributing more than words. We were pouring all kinds of secret emotional fantasies into what we were writing. Only they weren't secret anymore. We were sharing them with each other, admitting we wanted something we didn't have. The opportunity to speak freely, to relax together, in safety, intimacy, brotherhood. Such a simple thing, a thing every other goddamn kid gets to have except us. Why we couldn't just magically become friends I don't know. Pride and stubbornness I guess.

I've always felt a little less afraid behind a screen. That's why I got so into computers, why I prefer texting to meatspace. The allure of the Connor Project was obvious to a kid like me: I got to help fight the isolation that plagued my own life, but in the context of charity, so I didn't have to admit I needed help myself. I don't know her that well, but I think Alana felt the same. 

As web consigliere, though, I didn't get to actually talk to anyone involved, except through mundane chores like resetting passwords. The life of a web developer is thankless. You were starting all these amazing conversations with other people like you, and I was just hiding again. I get why you said no when I asked you to add me to the Connor narrative. I wasn't trying to steal your limelight. I just wanted ... I don't know what I wanted.

Yes, I do. I want your friendship, Evan. I realized a little too late that the only way for me to get it was to fucking admit that. This poisoned half-acquaintance is not enough to sustain me anymore. We know so many stupid details about each other, but there's a wall, there's always been a wall, put up by me, mostly, and I want that wall to come down.

I don't have an Israeli girlfriend that's a model.

My camp friends forgot about me immediately after camp.

I'm fucking lonely.

Evan, if you will have me back as a friend, I promise to respect you and support you. If I tease, it will be to strengthen a bond, not to tear down. I want you to feel safe with me, and I will work to make that happen. To be a man is not to harm, but to love.

Meet me under the apple tree. Please.

Sincerely,  
Me


End file.
